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Pretense pt 1

Characters: HieixKagome, Kurama, mentions of others
Description: But you wanna know the funny thing? Despite all my pretending, and all those fake smiles and little white lies, I didn't fool him for a minute.
Dedication: MadMiko, for my 2010 Christmas Giveaway, 15th place
Warning: Angst, first person POV
Rating: M

Sometimes, I look back at the past - the real past, my past - and wonder. I wonder if Fate had anything to do with it, and if Faith was all that I had going for me. I wonder if Hope was futile. If pain was inevitable. I wonder if he loved me, or if I was just too similar to her.

And then I remember that I gave that up, and I'm stuck back in the present, with no way of going back, no hope for a past with him. My heart aches for a beat, my chest tightens and my throat convulses as I swallow tears. I blink them away and smile.

I've gotten real good at that, smiling. And not the real kind either. I've gotten to be a pro at faking it, at pretending that everything is right with the world and oh, I was just worried about that test coming up, guys! Everything's cool!

I wonder, too, if they believe it. Maybe it's just easier for them to pretend with me, to act as if they understand and I'm doing okay. There's nothing to worry about, because Kagome's alright. She's steady and smart and pretty, and has this amazing actor boyfriend in Kyoto that's just crazy about her.

That's a lie too, sort of. I was dating an actor. A year ago. For a week. He was my rebound, but it didn't last. He was too stingy, too jealous, too arrogant for my tastes. Well, at the time anyway. Now I wonder if I couldn't have put up with it, just for something stable in my life.

He wasn't a very good actor anyway, I suppose.

Momma gives me worried looks, like she expects me to crumble and burst into tears. Like she wants me to go to her for help, for a shoulder to cry on. But I never go to her, because I'm afraid that if I start crying, I will never, ever, be able to stop. I'll be a mess.

Maybe I'm hoping that if I pretend enough, the lie will become a reality. Kagome will be strong, and steady, and smart. That I'll be able to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and breathe again. I feel like I've been holding my breath, waiting for... something. Anything, really.

Maybe I'm waiting to be hit by a car, or to die in a horrific accident, or meet some demon I knew five hundred years ago that won't recognize me because I'm human and he assumed I'd died. Perhaps I'm waiting for a change, for Inuyasha to suddenly jump through the well and pull me into a breathless kiss, beg me for forgiveness.

I feel petty, when I think about those things. I feel selfish. Of course he wouldn't come through the well. I left him. He didn't leave me. He was never with me, not in the romantic sense. I was just Kikyo, but not. I'm just Kagome, someone who looks like Kikyo and may have been her once upon a time.

I'm so stupid. So hopelessly stupid. If it weren't for that fake smile, for the pretending, I would be a gibbering mess. A pathetic, depressed, weak, gibbering mess.

But you wanna know the funny thing? Despite all my pretending, and all those fake smiles and little white lies, I didn't fool him for a minute.

xXx

It was a Friday. I remember that because I had been on my way to pick up the paycheck from my part-time, in-between-classes job. Fast food, as it so happened, but that's not really important.

I was waiting for the crosswalk light to change from the big red hand to the little walking stick figure, so I could cross the street. I could hear someone approaching behind me, because they were talking to someone else. I didn't turn around, didn't care to see their faces. My entire being was focused on somehow Jedi-mind-tricking that light to change, so I could get money and hopefully not lose my apartment this month.

The man behind me chuckled and murmured something softly. It was distracting, in that way that people whispering near you usually was. I think it's ingrained into the human psyche to be paranoid about those things. Like you expect the whisperees to be talking about you. Were my pants too tight?

I immediately stopped that line of thought, telling myself I was being dumb, and focused with intent on that light. I narrowed my eyes, glaring, half-hoping I could scare it into obeying my Jedi mind powers. Not that I had Jedi mind powers, of course.

A softer, deeper voice answered the first's whisper, though he didn't bother to keep his voice down. "Like I give a fuck."

I automatically glanced over my shoulder without even really meaning to, and caught them looking at me. The redhead had the grace to look embarrassed at being caught staring, while the shorter boy - man? - didn't even bother averting his eyes. He just sneered.

Pig, I thought automatically and pointedly turned my head away.

"Hiei!" I heard the whisperer scold softly, though there was laughter in the sound.

"Tch," was the only reply.

The light changed and I half-stomped across the road, hoping I'd lose them or something. No such luck. The redhead quickened his step until he was walking beside me. "I apologize for staring. We're really sorry, miss. It was incredibly rude, right Hiei?"

"Hmph."

The redhead let out an exasperated sigh. "Please excuse Hiei. He's very... er, shy." I could feel the withering glare 'Hiei' was sending toward both of us. The redhead ignored it and stepped into my path, forcing me to either stop or go around him. He bowed. "I'm Minamino Shuichi. Please accept our apologies."

I almost heard the muttered 'your apologies' from behind me. I glanced at my watch and scowled. "Look, I'd really like to chat with you and your..." I paused a beat to glance back at Hiei. He was scowling back at me. "Friend, but my store closes in ten minutes and if I don't have that paycheck cashed and the money in my landlord's hand by midnight, I'm moving back home," I said, perhaps a tad too sharply. But frankly, I was in a bad mood that day and didn't care whose feelings I injured.

Green eyes widened faintly, then he offered a vague smile. "I apologize, again," he said sheepishly. "Please, do go on about your business." And he stepped out of my path.

I swallowed a relieved sigh and scurried across another street and down one block, bursting through the doors right as Eri was about to lock them. She snickered. "Almost missed it, you dunce," she teased.

I grinned back. "Sorry. I was, uh... held up. Traffic," I lied brightly.

"Well come on and get it," she said. I heard her closing the doors and locking them behind me. "How's that boyfriend of yours?" she added, following me to the manager's office. The manager herself had already left for home, but the door was unlocked until closing. Whoever closed the store locked the manager's office.

"He's okay," I said, opening the door and going to rifle amongst the papers on the desk. "He sent me a bouquet yesterday, did I tell you?"

"Doesn't he send one every day?" Eri returned, smiling. "I'm glad you guys are so happy! You seem to be doing fine with him. Not like that Highschool boyfriend of yours, the gangster guy."

I swallowed, holding my breath and praying for the sharp pain to ease quickly. "Yes," I said after a moment, and finally discovered the envelope with my name on it. I peeked inside, breathing in relief at the number there. Just enough to pay the rent and the electric. I could go without hot water for another month.

Eri giggled. "So, any expensive presents yet?"

I shook my head. "No," I said, tucking the envelope into my purse and turning to face her. I smiled brightly. "Not since that necklace. He says he's waiting for the perfect gift to come along."

Eri's nose wrinkled cutely. "He's so goofy," she teased.

I giggled at her assessment. She had no idea... "I know, isn't he?" I asked with a wistful sigh.

"Well, we can talk later tonight. Mika and I have to close today, so I'll call you in a while," Eri said, stepping out of my way.

I paused as I passed her to give her a brief hug, still smiling. "Yeah, sounds good!" I agreed enthusiastically.

"Bye!" she said with a vague wave.

I waved back and darted out the door, eager to get to the bank.

xXx

My waiting was over. I had found a demon, but it wasn't any demon I had ever known, and not nearly as interested in using me for anything. In fact, this demon wanted me dead. I knew because he kept saying it, chasing me through a park in the middle of the night. Oh, I was gonna die.

But still I ran, breathless with a stitch in my side, one hand frantically searching my purse for the pocket knife I kept in it. It wasn't much, I knew, but it was enough. If I could channel my ki through it and stab the demon, he'd be yesterday's news and I'd be alive.

At least that was the plan.

Finally my fingers closed on the folded blade and I jerked it out, stumbling over a crack in the asphalt of the sidewalk I was darting across. A few things tumbled out of my purse, but I neither cared nor stopped to see what. I kept on my feet, barely, and struggled to open the blade. It never had liked me very much, and right now, I was feeling a similar emotion.

I could practically feel him breathing down my neck, and finally managed to jerk the blade out of it's encasing. I sliced my finger on the sharp edge, but didn't have much time to do more than hiss at the pain. I was whirling around before I fully realized it, lifting the blade and skidding to a stop.

He stopped too, claws reaching out. His face showed surprise, and then blood sprayed, red and thick, splashing onto my face. The demon was sliding apart in neat clean chunks right before my eyes, thunking sickly down to the ground with several wet splats.

I could only stare at my savior, though, one hand raised with a puny pocket knife wrapped in my fingers. He held a sword, dripping the blood of his victim, and I belatedly wondered where he'd come from.

Then I realized I'd met him before. What was his name again? It was like a mountain or something, right? Hiei? Maybe.

"Idiot," he snarled, disdain a heavy tone in his voice. "What do you think that knife would do? He would have eaten you for lunch, you stupid girl."

I blinked at him, and my hand fell, the knife clattering to the ground noisily. I couldn't stop staring, and a cynical voice in my head whispered that I was being rude. Oh, and also, I was covered in demon gunk. Must have bath. Yes, bath now.

"Where'd you come from?" I finally asked. That was the biggest question in my mind. I wasn't worried about my close call. I'd had far too many of those for it to phase me anymore. I wasn't worried about the fact that he hadn't yet put that sword away, either. I think I may have been in shock. Maybe.

He sneered. "None of your business," he replied, and knelt to clean his blade on the clothing of his victim. He finally put the sword away, and resumed glaring at me. "You'll have to come with me," he finally added.

I blinked again, harder this time. "No way," I replied instantly. "I'm not going anywhere with you. At all."

His eyes narrowed. "Now."

"Over my de-"

And I saw stars.

xXx

"Kagome-chan, wake up," a voice called through the darkness. "Come on, Kagome-chan. You're safe, so wake up."

"Geez, shrimp, you sure did a number on her!" another voice added as I sleepily opened my eyes.

"Tch."

And I sat up instantly, pointing in the general direction of that scoff, only to drop my hand and sway where I sat. Someone was making shushing sounds and rubbing my back soothingly, and there was a glass being pressed into my hand.

I gulped about half of it before it was taken away, then searched the room with my eyes. I glared at the man on the window-sill, who glared right back at me. "You!" I proclaimed, pointing at him. "That was a dirty rotten trick! You knocked me out!"

He sneered, and refused to answer verbally.

There was a pair off to my right that burst out into loud guffaws at my statement, though, and a familiar redhead not far from the window sill, looking embarrassed. I turned my head to look at the person sitting next to me. It was a blue-haired girl with bright pink eyes, wearing a pale green kimono. There was no decoration on the kimono, but the soft blue obi had an embroidered silver humming bird on it. She beamed at me.

"Hi! I'm Botan! It's so nice to meet you, Kagome-chan!" she said excitedly. "You have no idea how I've wanted to meet you!"

I stared at her, eyes wide. "Me? Why me?"

"You're the Shikon no Miko," a deep voice said.

I jerked my head around, nearly giving myself whiplash, and saw another person sitting behind a desk. It was a tall, handsome, brown-haired man with dark blue eyes... and a binkey. "Why on Earth do you have a binkey?" I asked.

He blushed slightly when the Laughing Duo starting in on their hoots again. "Reikai, actually," he replied, sniffing and not answering my question.

I looked back and forth between every person in the room, my head hurting something awful, and decided to go with familiarity. "Shikon no Miko? How'd you know?"

The youth behind the desk sighed. "I am Koenma, lord of Reikai. I know many things that aren't advertised."

"Really," I deadpanned, eying him suspiciously. "So I'm in Reikai. ... what's Reikai?"

He gave me a scandalized look. "You don't know?"

I shook my head. "Nuh uh."

"Oh gods," he muttered, smacking his forehead with a palm. "You're really out of the loop, for an ancient miko."

I decided not to correct him, for now. Across the room, window sill guy was giving me a narrow-eyed look, as if he was trying to read my mind or something stupid like that. Heh. I'd be amused if he could. He'd probably go nuts after a peek into my head.

"Well, put me back into the loop?" I asked hopefully.

He sighed and launched into a fifteen minute explanation of the three worlds, the barrier, what has happened since and last but not least, who he and his father were. He also covered the identities and a brief history of everyone in the room.

Coughing, I got to my feet and bowed in greeting. "Hi! I'm Higurashi Kagome. It's nice to meet you all."

Kurama, the redhead, smiled back at me. "It's very much a pleasure, Kagome-sama. I must say, you look rather well for a five hundred year old woman..." That was the second time he'd referenced my 'age'...

I snorted. "Ah, thanks, Kurama-san..."

"She's not five hundred," Hiei scoffed, staring out the window. "She's twenty."

I smiled, turning to look at him, totally caught off guard. Wow, could he really read minds? "How'd you...?"

He looked at me, scowling slightly. "Research."

Oh. I glanced at Kurama, who was giving Hiei an annoyed look. The other two, Yusuke and Kuwabara, were grinning conspiratorially at each other. I wondered what the secret was.

"How is that possible?" Koenma finally asked, frowning at me.

I smiled at him. "Time travel!"

xXx

After that, I often found myself in one of the boys' company, or Botan's, or Koenma's. I soon found out that Koenma's real form was actually that of a baby, a toddler. Yusuke's favorite nickname for him was 'Binkey Breath'. Hiei didn't seem to like him much at all (then again, it was pretty hard to read Hiei). Kurama, I found, couldn't care less about the man.

He had that feeling, and ones similar, frequently.

I think, though, that I got along best with Kazuma. He and I liked the same kinds of food, the same video stores, the same mangas... we were two peas in a pod, us. But he never had any idea that the smile was fake. None of them did.

Except Hiei. I could tell, because he'd shoot me these disgusted glares when I smiled, like I was being an idiot or something. And maybe I was.

I can remember the first argument we had. It was right after he saved me yet again from a demon attack, cutting down the enemy quickly and mercilessly.

"Are you an idiot?!" the hybrid demanded, lowering his sword and stalking right up to me. "You just let those demons come up on you, and then attack you? Do you even notice them?"

"Of course I do!" I retorted, fury surfacing. "And I'm not an idiot! I've never been an idiot!" I can't remember how many times Inuyasha had accused me of such.

"You could have fooled me, you stupid girl!" he snarled, eyes glinting red. "That's twice I've had to save you, because you stood there and did nothing."

"Don't call me stupid," I snapped back. "And I could have handled him myself!"

"Maybe, and gotten ripped in half in the process!" Hiei growled. "Pay more attention! They will kill you, and I won't be around all the time to save your sorry ass."

"Good! I can do it myself," I sniffed, fists clenched at my sides. How dare he? He didn't know anything! He had no idea what I could do.

"Tch." The demon bared his teeth. "I know more than you think."

I slapped him. "AND STAY OUT OF MY HEAD!" I screeched and spun on my heel, stomping away. I didn't know, at the time, that I had left him standing there in shock, watching me storm off. Served him right.

xXx

After that, not a day passed where we weren't arguing, having glaring contests or just in general hating each other's guts. He always seemed to be nearby when I was with one of the others, glowering at the back of my head, and in turn whenever I saw him I made a point of sneering and then ignoring him.

Unless we were arguing, of course. In fact, before I knew it, Hiei and I were spending more time together - fighting - than I was with anyone else in the group. Half the time, all it took was a look from him, or one from me, to get us into a tiff.

A sneer would start an argument about respect; a glare would begin a tirade on my lesser qualities, or why he should treat women better. We were almost literally at each other's throats whenever we were around each other.

There were very few things I was sure of with him. One was that he hated me, and I returned the feeling. Another was that he took an almost perverse joy in pissing me the fuck off. Sometimes he'd even find me when I was alone.

I'd go from smiling to scowling in a heartbeat. And once, he caught me crying. I'd lost my job, my grandfather was in the hospital, my brother wouldn't talk to me... I guess it just all built up and stuck. It was the first time I'd actually allowed myself to break down since I stopped going to the past. I was humiliated at the time, but there wasn't much I could do about that.

"You really are just a miserable little girl, aren't you?" he said, sneering from my window-sill.

I looked up at him, but I'd been crying for so long that I didn't have the energy to get pissed off like usual. "Why are you in my house, Hiei?" I demanded, turning away. I rubbed my face, hoping I could hide the shining streaks. It was a vain effort, I knew, but it was at least gave me something else to focus on other than my sorrow. I couldn't even smile and bear it like usual, because I could never seem to smile around him. More than that, I didn't want to.

I was almost always honest with Hiei, mostly because I knew lying would be pointless. He had a habit of ignoring my wishes and sneaking into my head. I suspected it was something he did just to get a rise out of me more than it was to get the information. It usually worked.

He scoffed and didn't answer for a moment. I wondered if he didn't have an answer, because he'd just sought me out to piss me off. It wasn't working, so he had nothing to say. Finally, though, he made a sound again and shifted. "Why are you crying?"

I stopped rubbing my face and stared down between my fingers at the bedspread. I was surprised he was asking, rather than just ransacking my head to find out. "You wouldn't understand, or care," I replied, and closed my eyes.

Hiei scowled at me, I could feel it. "Try me."

I swallowed, refusing to look at him. I didn't want to tell him, and at the same time, I did. It was tempting me, being honest. I hadn't ever told anyone what had happened or why. I didn't tell them why I left. I only lied.

"Tell me," he ordered softly, suddenly sitting next to me.

I looked up at him, tears in my eyes, and opened my mouth.

Review

Part 2->


Weeeelll, there's part one! I hope you like it, *madmiko! I worked hard on it. The next part should be done in the next few days. ^^

This is soooo super late, I know. I was originally waiting for her to give me a prompt or some idea what she was looking for, but since I never got it, I'm gonna write it now. I shall cross my fingers and hope she likes it!

Also, thank you to ~azhwi for agreeing to beta this! You're such a lifesaver, dear.

Kagome, Inuyasha, Kikyo and all other InuYasha characters mentioned herein are the sole property of Takahashi Rumiko-sama.

Hiei, Kurama, Botan, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Koenma and all other YuYu Hakusho characters mentioned herein are the sole property of Togashi Yoshihiro.

I merely use both to further my own means, and do not claim any responsibility or ownership of the aforementioned fandoms and characters.

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