We will now take a slight detour from your normal updates to have a special Valentine's omake, because, quite frankly,
the authoress is a romantic at heart despite the torture she puts her characters through on a weekly basis, and the torture
that has yet to come (yay run-on sentences).
Today, we open in Sunagakure, in the Kaze no Kuni, specifically the Kazekage's office. A letter has just arrived, marked
urgent, for everyone's favorite redhead. A nin dashes into the Kazekage's office.
"Kazekage-sama! A letter! It's marked urgent, sir, from Ame."
Gaara blinks and takes the scroll from the man, dismissing him. Nin extra one exits stage right. The focus is brought onto
Gaara, who begins to read the letter out loud for absolutely no reason at all, other than for the readers (and non-existent
audience) to know what it says.
"'Dear Gaara-kun,
Love, love, I love you from the bottom of my heart. I desire to see your face, and kiss your mouth.
Love love! My heart pounds at just the thought of your seafoam eyes, and your pale ivory skin. My breath catches in my throat
at the mere word of you! I love you! Come see me,
Love, Tobi.'"
Gaara sighs. "Not again. Kankuro!"
Enter; Kankuro, stage left. Kankuro is eating a bowl of cereal as he approaches. "Yo. What's up?"
"I got another love letter from 'Tobi'. Burn it." Gaara hands the letter over, Kankuro takes it and exits stage left.
The scene fades to black, and there is a brief pause. Then the lights return, and the scene is that of the Hokage tower.
Jiraiya is standing at the base, outside, holding a heart-shaped box of chocolates and singing at the top of his lungs.
"Oh, maiden fair, let down your hair, for I desire thee, my princess pea!" he yodels, clutching the heart
dramatically. "Set down your drink, ignore the sink, for I wish, to have your kiss~ Abandon the sake, my dear Tsunade, my
princess of ninjas, for I want in ya-" The world will never, ever know how that song ended, for at that moment, Tsunade's
desk came flying out the window to crush Jiraiya flat.
Front right stage is suddenly illuminated, revealing Gai in his usual spandex suit... except, for some reason, it's bright
neon pink. This is followed by a pause to let the audience adjust to this horrifying picture. Then Gai speaks.
"Little did Princess Tsunade know, that Jiraiya was far better than that. For it was not he who was crushed. Instead,
he performed an instantaneous substitution jutsu, replacing himself with the unfortunate Ibiki."
The light dims on Gai, and brightens on 'Jiraiya'. Indeed, Ibiki is twitching beneath the desk. "Mommy..."
The scene darkens.
When the lights return again, we are in Tsunade's office, where she's snoring on her desk (having been retrieved and the
unfortunate Ibiki carted off to the hospital). A shadowy figure approaches, and sets a scroll down by her nose. It backs away
and exit's stage right.
Tsunade wakes and sits up. Sees the scroll and opens it. She reads aloud, once again for the benefit of the audience.
"'Dearest Princess Tsunade-chan,
Oh how I have missed your golden locks-' oh, come on, this again? Why the hell do I
have to read this crap?"
Gai walks on stage and whispers in her ear before leaving. Tsunade grumbles but continues.
"'Oh how I have missed...' blah blah blah 'honey-colored eyes'... blah blah, yadda yadda, 'wonderful assets' oh what else
is new, you dirty pervert? 'Love, your dearest Tobi-kun'. Go jump off a bridge, you stupid brat!" Tsunade throws the scroll
out a window and pulls out a jug of sake. The stage dims to the sound of her gulping.
A few minutes pass, with the stage still dark, when someone hisses loudly, "Shikamaru, you lazy ass, get on stage! This
is no time for a nap!" This is followed by a loud thwap and shuffled footsteps. A brief pause, and the lights go on again
to the Ichiraku ramen stand.
Shikamaru is sitting at the bar, waiting with Choji for a bowl of ramen. Suddenly, Anko appears, running across the stage
from stage left to pause front center stage, staring out at the audience. "Oh my god, oh my god, I saw his face! HE'S
SEXY AS SHIT!" She wails in distress and runs off stage again, stage right.
Shikamaru and Choji turn belatedly on their stools. "Did you hear something?" Shikamaru asks.
"Something about space," Choji replies.
They shrug and go back to waiting for food. A brief pause, before Kakashi appears from stage left, walking along slowly.
He stops by the ramen stand and taps Shikamaru's shoulder. "You didn't happen to see where Anko went, did you? I have to silence
her." He turns his head to narrow one eye at the audience. "Permanently."
There's a flicker of light resembling lightening, and the ominous rumbling of thunder, before - apparently satisfied, Kakashi
returns his attention to Shikamaru.
"She was yelling about space and ran off toward the Hokage tower," the Nara says.
"Much obliged," Kakashi says, and disappears in a poof of smoke.
From off stage...
"KAKASHI-SENSEI, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO USE JUTSU!"
"Mah, really? Sorry, Sakura-chan, I must have forgotten!"
This is followed by excessive, painful sounding noises that are ignored by those on stage.
Anko rushes back on to center stage, whispers something to Gai, and runs off again. The spot light focuses on Gai, who
clears his throat. "Unfortunately, the 'Anko running away from Kakashi' gag will have to be canceled, due to Kakashi's sudden
inability to participate." He sniffs. "My rival! This is so like him! Coolly interrupting our good fun! How unyouthful!" He
shakes his head, glancing nervously off stage where Sakura has pinned him with a glare and is cracking her knuckles. "Anyway."
The light fades over the stage.
"Itachi! No, you have to! Yes! … I'll tell Sakura on you."
A pause follows, and the stage brightens, revealing Itachi in a traditional hitarare kimono, black in color, with white
tabi and a pair of waraji placed on the floor beside him. He sits seiza on a straw mat, face expressionless and hair tied
up in it's usual style.
A few female audience members swoon and faint. Itachi appears not to notice. "I am awaiting the arrival of Sakura-san."
A pause. "Sakura-san."
Silence.
"Where the heck is that Forehead? Oh. Um, hang on Itachi."
Itachi sighs softly, but stays where he is, back rigid and gaze uncompromising. A moment passes, before Sakura, dressed
in a navy blue yukata decorated with pink sakura blossoms, dashes onstage. "Oh, Itachi! Sorry I'm late! That damn Ino is so
nosy!"
Itachi rises smoothly to his feet (several more fangirls faint) and bows. "It is fine. Let us go." The stage dims briefly,
then brightens to reveal a gaily decorated restaurant with plenty of flowered plants and a table. A waitress (Tenten) seats
them and exits stage right.
Sakura smiles at Itachi. "This is so lovely, Itachi. Thank you for inviting me."
He inclines his head. "Of course, Sakura-san."
Suddenly, Tenten rushes back onstage, holding a scroll. "Itachi-san, a message for you, from the border. It doesn't say
who it's from, though." She hands it over.
Itachi takes it, sighing, and unrolls it, then hesitates. Sakura elbows him, so he reads it aloud.
"'Itachi.
You weasel bastard, I hope you die. GO TO HELL.
Love, the one who will kill you.'"
Itachi sighs. "Really, Sasuke, how immature."
Sakura smiles. "So who's it from?"
The stage dims.
The spot light appears on Gai again. "Final act," he says, and the light dims. He is gone when the stage brightens again.
The stage is set like a typical Ame living room. A masked figure is leaning over the coffee table with an ink brush, writing
something on scroll parchment.
Pein enters stage right. He walks over and snatches the parchment up. "So it was you. What the hell is wrong with
you?"
The masked man, Tobi, sits up and smiles innocently, though no one can tell. "What do you mean? Tobi's a good boy."
Pein reads the parchment aloud, pointedly.
"'Dearest wonderful Hinata,
I love the sight of your eyes, you are wonderful-' I repeat, what the hell is wrong with
you?"
"Boredom?" Tobi asks, shrugging. He snatches the page back. "Don't worry. I won't send to the one from Konan."
The scene dims.
Silence follows, then, "SHIKAMARU, YOU LAZY ASS!"
~Finis
